This is not a film review. It's too late for that.
(Expendables 2 came out August 17th. Today is October 9th.)
It's a police report.
A witness's statement of a car crash, or a plane crash, I'm not certain. The body parts are too numerous. Maybe it was a plane crash that hit a parking lot of cars.
My friend-for-a-bad-movie-night, Paul Smit, invited me to see E2. At the dollar theater.
For a buck.
I think I got ripped off.
In the past we've seen some WAY worse films together, but tonight's foray into Undertaking 101 was a bit unusual. Death was everywhere. I even started to think so about the audience itself.
For instance, a homeless guy sat across the aisle from us and had his HUGE drum in the aisle, plus a loooong walking stick. Apparently, he was anticipating leaving the film early... or fighting with someone...but did neither. He started the film by shouting down some huge other guy who was sitting next to him in the theater. I felt like I was in the bar scene of E2 (or... Star Wars).
Oh well. Maybe I should have taken the hint of the guy with the walking stick. The body count was unbelievable in the film, though the large guy in the audience lived, I think.
I went in hoping to see a film that brought talent together, like the classic "Magnificent Seven". (WHAT WAS I THINKING?)
Not familiar with it?
A classic use of talent and actors - each of whom had depth of character and duties to do. All were nearing the peak of their careers.
Arnold's last line at the end of this flick tonight summed it up.
When directed to look at an old, rusty airplane that The Expendables would now be given by Bruce Willis' character, Sylvester Stallone says: "That thing belongs in a museum."
Arnold responds: "We all do."
I know E2 made money. Airships full of money. But what was it? What was the thing I saw?
I think it was a planned and choreographed accident. A crash and burn.
It was a crash of many things, like Arnold's hairdo and hackneyed "Ahnold" sayings....
Like Bruce Willis' growl.
And Stallone's script.
And all the mumbling of Jet Li, Dolph Lungren and, and, and...
"Rest in pieces" is one of the few understandable lines that Stallone uses midway through the film.
No kidding. Rest in Pieces is right....
Wow, like a rubber-necker at an accident scene, I think I'm driving very slowly tonight wondering if I can look ahead just up around the bend to see the ruined remains/expectations of yet-to-be-made Expendables 3 ...
Yeah, there it is... Arghh.